I’ve not ridden a motorbike into Central London for ages. I mean, I can check Ringo to see the last time I paid to park in Soho, but already know it was a couple of years ago at least!

But for #reasons I’ve had to head into the Thoughtworks office recently. Taking the bike made sense, so I took the bike. For now Camden has free parking for motorcycles, and I was chuffed to blag a free parking spot behind the office.

Winning.

Or was I?

I was only in the office for an hour or so, popped back to the bike and…

Oh.

Initially I wondered if the lock barrel had simply collapsed. I mean, the bike is old, and the lock barrel had seized solid in the past… and then the penny started to drop.

SOMEONE HAS CLEARLY TRIED TO SMASH THE STEERING LOCK WITH A SCREWDRIVER, TO STEAL MY BIKE.

(you can see scuff marks on the plastics in that photo too…)

I mean, my first thoughts were “why” my bike? It’s scruffy, old, and not really worth a lot of money.

But - I’d not fitted any additional security, no disc lock or other lock. I mean, I was only going to be in the office for an hour or so… But all the other bikes were suitably adorned with disc locks or some kind of chain and padlock. Also, modern bikes all have immobilisers. The Helix has a steering lock.

Which held, to be fair.

Better than that, the remains of the steering lock could still be unlocked with my key. And I could turn the ignition on, and ride home.

So. I’m a lucky sod, who’s learned a valuable lesson.

Now, how do I fix it?

If you own an obscure 80s Honda, having a second bike for spares is always a good idea. So I do. The spares bike has done a mere 5000 miles, so in some respects, it may have made more sense to try to resurrect that bike, instead of using it for spares. But - my primary bike has been in regular use, the spares bike had been parked up and unused for decades.

Indeed, I’d planned to swap the locks over previously. Although I’m glad in hindsight I’d not done so before! (Although, a generic replacement lock set can be had at time of writing for under £25 on eBay) - but the reason I’d never actually managed to change the lock set before, is that, well… it feels like Honda started with the ignition barrel and built the rest of the bike around it…

Since the demise of the wonderfully helpful Slonaker Helix forum, a Facebook group is probably the best resource for help when fixing your Helix. Although not in this case. Someone had asked in the past, and was told to “refer to the shop manual” - but I have a copy of the workshop manual, and it just says “remove the maintenance cover, unbolt and unplug the switch.

LIES

The unbolting isn’t so bad, but the wiring disappears into the plastic bodywork. You can just about feel the plug through the access panel for the coolant overflow tank.

But you can’t pull the plug apart. At least, not with my average sized hands. Similarly, if you remove the bottom plastics you can reach a (skinny) arm into the gloom, and just about reach the connector block. But you cannot pull it apart. (At least, I certainly couldn’t)

It looked like the only way to get to the connector was to remove the whole front floor panel. Although I couldn’t actually do that, as one of the screws holding it on was completely corroded in place. The perils of sitting soggy on a scooter floorboard. My best hope was that loosening the panel would provide enough wiggle room to disconnect things.

So - I had to remove:

• the maintenance cover (this was already off)
• the belly pan
• Rear covers (left and right)
• side covers (left and right)
• The centre section cover
• As many screws and bolts as required to get the front plastics loose, so I at least had some wiggle room.

Not so onerous, but it was 3 degrees celcius outside, and the floor was cold, damp and muddy in places.

And of course, reassembly is the reverse of disassembly. With the added bonus that I needed to remove the rear rack and bodywork as well this time, as I couldn’t see a sensible way to get the centre section back on without snapping or breaking anything.

The joy of scooters…

In the end, the job took all day. Not because it was difficult, but because finding the enthusiasm to go back outside again, having invariably popped in for a cup of tea to warm up… was hard. But it was satisfying to have fixed it - and it means now I have two matching Honda keys for all the locks on the bike. (Previously I had the original and a slightly grumpy copy.)

The following day (in glorious sunshine), I rode up to J&S in Leyton in search of a disc lock!

Clearly I’ve been very lucky with my motorbikes over the years… (bicycles less so) but it’s made me a little more (I mean, actually a lot more) paranoid than before.

Perhaps it’s for the best that I won’t be heading back to the Thoughtworks offices any time soon.